Are Women & Queers the Product? AI Dating Apps and Connection

Most People Hate AI Dating Apps - Here's Why

Men describe the experience as exhausting and demoralizing. No matter which premiums they buy, they often remain invisible: ignored, unseen, ghosted. Women, queers, and sex-positive profiles face the opposite: too much noise, objectification, and emotional labor. It's a lose-lose setup. And now, as platforms double down on AI, the problem is likely getting worse.

The AI Takeover: What's Changing

Since around 2023, dating platforms have been increasingly betting on AI. That shift hasn't come without friction. Bumble, for example, faced a privacy complaint over failing to properly ask for consent in relation to its AI conversation starter. It has since announced an attachment-style-informed dating feature that collects users' dating history and emotional preference data.

On the Match Group side (the company behind Tinder, Hinge, Match.com, OkCupid, Meetic, POF, OurTime, Pairs, Salams, BLK, and Chispa), Spencer Rascoff was appointed CEO. Why is this interesting? Rascoff has spoken openly about expanding the role of AI in dating products. He also previously served on the board of Palantir - a company frequently in the news for AI surveillance and U.S. security controversies.

The Rise of "Rizz" AI Tools (and AI Catfishing)

Alongside these platform-level changes, an entire ecosystem of "rizz" or message-writing AI tools has emerged. These apps serve hundreds of thousands - if not millions - of users, helping people draft messages on their behalf. Many are deceptive by design; relying on the fact that the human on the other side doesn't know they are interacting with machine-assisted communication, or that their personal texts are being shared with third-party vendors.

The downstream effect of AI catfishing is an even more distrusting, jaded, and fatigued online dating population.

And what does a tired population ultimately do?

It doesn't get angry.

It simply leaves the room.

The Great Exodus: Why People Are Leaving Dating Apps

The great "de-centering" of romantic relationships is already underway. People are increasingly finding fulfillment from investing in friendships, chosen family, and non-romantic forms of intimacy. After actively dating online as a sex-positive queer woman, I can feel that pull myself.

SoulSort's Answer: Leading with Values, Not Deception

So consider SoulSort a last-hurrah attempt to help people like me get to the real person behind the "rizz." Call me naive, but perhaps leveling the playing field isn't about optimizing deception. Maybe it's about leading with our values and naming what we believe in. Not to replace conversation, but to spark the real ones sooner.

Is Another AI Tool Really the Solution?

The honest answer is: I don't know.

What I do know is where my own values lie. I am building a product that tries to cater to the pain-points of the people, communities and sub-scenes that still believe in the magick of connection. A tool that centers privacy, consent and equality as key design principles, rather than as an afterthought.

Because being real and vulnerable are the things that ultimately build trust.

And trust is what enhances vibes and that real relational presence.

Lots of love,

Sonja

Sources mentioned: noyb • Reuters • Scientific American